First few steps towards the future
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What happened to my music?

Last night I randomly went down in the pool room, which subsequently functions as a music room, and approached the piano. I happened to find some note papers lying around on the stand. I looked at them and saw, to my astonishment, that it was one of the piano jazz tunes which I wrote some years ago. I had almost forgot that they existed. So I picked them up and started playing on the old '73 brescht electric organ which my dad got for free from an old hippie friend. It sounded quite good and I soon got into the beat. However, it was something that troubled me deeply. It did not feel like I was playing my own piece. I have not written music for atleast two years and the last time I composed something for piano must have been ages ago. Have I totally lost my ability to create music? I am not saying it is ingenious pieces, but it was mine and I had created it. When you play something you have composed each note represents a moment and a memory in time. It is quite a remarkable thing. It is something I very much miss, the feeling after completing a piece and for the first time playing it in en-arte. Since I currently board at the Red Cross Nordic UWC in Norway I am bound to act out on my music interest there as well. So it often happens that I am alone in my room and playing on my guitars when someone walks in, or sitting down in the hoegh playing the piano. Almost always when that happens people, who catches me in the act, says that I should perform with a band or atleast do something on stage. They are asking why I am always sitting by myself and never play with someone else. My excuse is always that I would if I had the time, but it is always so much with the SC and such. This is complete bullocks. It is a white lie created by me so to protect myself from the truth. A truth not so horrifying, but new to me. I am shit ass scared of getting onto that stage in the hoegh and perfom my own works. I am afraid that it will blow, that people wont clap or sit there whispering among themselves. Or that something will happen in the technology department and I will be sitting left out on stage just waiting for the sound to come again. I have never been afraid of stages before, and today when I enter a stage to talk, there is no problem. But just the thought of performing my own works at RCNUWC can make me sweat. I do not know why, because at the college I have friends who are the most sympathic, comfortable and intelligent people you can imagine. But, that is also what scares me. What shall they think if I go up there and perform something mediocre? I live today on a reputation that I can play music. I just never had to prove it... However, last nights event made me realize that I should just be proud of what I have done. And get up there on stage and perform my own stuff. No matter if it sucks, it would still be mine. I love music in all its form. I love to listen to it, I love to play it, I love to record it, to mix it, to produce. I love music that is performed without consideration of consequences. I love music as a mean of getting a political message across, I love music as purentertainmentnt. I simply love music, and I should not let anything stand in the way of me creating or playing it. It is my life... Nevertheless, saying it is one thing. Lets hope that this spring I will find the time between the social and academic life and climb up on that stage, maybe playing "the white keys" on the piano and jazz trumpet. Why, Because I wrote it damnit. And if it should be performed by anyone, it should be me... Atleast the first time...

posted by Dale @ 12/26/2005 06:28:00 PM